Embarrassing things she says - Vol. 1

Without really knowing for sure, I'm going to go out on a limb and assume there will be subsequent volumes of this edition of embarrassing things she says. She is three years old, after all.

The other day, we ran into one of my best friend's moms. She's a very heavy smoker and has been for a long time. So, she has a very raspy smoker's voice. She comes up to say hi and makes a little small talk as I'm putting Jocelyn in her car seat. Jocelyn promptly and loudly says, "Mommy, she sounds like a witch!"

I was so thrown off I didn't even know what to say! I shushed Jocelyn under my breath and then prayed my friend's mom didn't hear her (no chance she didn't hear). I wanted to crawl in a hole. Is it just me?  Do I just embarrass too easy?  Or would your three year old telling someone they sound like a witch embarrass you as well?  We awkwardly part company without saying more.  I'm socially awkward anyways, so I don't need help from Jocelyn! Ugh.

So anyways, stay tuned! I'm sure she's poised to embarrass me again soon.

Smell my booty!

Tonight while bathing with cousins, Jocelyn stands up in the tub, turns around and tells her cousin to smell her booty.

"Jocelyn! That's not polite!" I tell her.

Without a second thought, she corrects herself, "Smell my booty, PLEASE!"

I guess I can't complain too much--she was more polite that time.

Happy Thanksgiving! {late}

Yeah, yeah, I know it's late, but happy Thankgiving!  We spent the week with my sister-in-law in Tampa, Florida.  You can't beat 80 degrees and sunny on Thanksgiving.  Jocelyn experienced Sea World for the first time and had a ton of fun at the beach. 

Each time we visited a beach {with no intention of going in the water}, we came back with a soaking wet, sandy three year old.  No surprises there.  I'm not really sure why I didn't just bring her swimsuit with us to the beach in the first place.  And then to do it more than once?  What was Einstein's definition of insanity again?  Yeah...that one.  If you don't know, Google it.  No wait, don't.

So, this is just a quick posting wishing you all in the internet-land HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Jocelyn B. and family! 

School pictures....OH NO!

It's school picture time!  School pictures make this mama very nervous for many reasons--to name a few:

1. My kid hates pictures.  Seriously, she won't even look at a camera 99% of the time.
2. The 1% of the time when she does look at a camera, she can't smile naturally to save her life.  I quit telling her to "say cheese" because what I get ends up looking like a rabid dog showing teeth right before biting you.
3. She has crazy hair.  Her hair, with crazy curls--which I have never cut--just gets bigger, not longer.  She won't wear bows, headbands or hair ties (I tried bribery that morning to no avail), and recombing it is risky due to frizz. 
4. I lost the damn order form!  I had it for approximately forty-three seconds when I picked her up from school.  I'm fairly certain the evil gremlins in my car stole it.
5. They want an arm and a leg for only one shot (compounded by stressor #2 above).  There were about five-thousand combinations in the package, including the backdrop color, orientation, name or no name, and how close of a crop you want.  Just kill me now.  I'm sitting at a table and chair sized for three-year olds with my knees to my chin trying to fill out the form.  I'm already going to be late for work as it is.  At least I remembered my checkbook.

So after all that, and all the waiting for pictures to be delivered, here's my baby girl's first official school pictures.....

{cheeeeeeeese}


Old videos and cat torture...

I was looking through old videos after I started my YouTube page, and I ran across this one.  Jocelyn was sitting with me when I played it, and she made me play it over and over and over again approximately 73 times while laughing maniacally through it each time.  Sometimes I worry about that girl...

She knows this is her when she was "baby Jocey", and she still treats the poor Harley-cat very similarly.  I feel bad for the cat (especially when you see the look on her face at the end of the video), but Harley doesn't really run away from the attention either--the cat is partially to blame for this situation.

Elf on the Shelf "George" is here!

Ever heard of "Elf on the Shelf"?  The concept is that Santa sends little elves out all over the world to keep an eye on little girls and boys.  He reports back to Santa nightly if they've been good or bad.  The little elf doll comes with a book, and this would be really sweet, if he didn't creep me out so damn much!

Even after several mommy friends of mine got the elf for their two year olds last year, I resisted.  First of all, Jocelyn was still fairly unaware of Santa Claus and a lot of the excitement of Christmas because frankly, we are never that "excited" for Christmas.  Don't get me wrong, we love Christmas time, but we hate the commercialism of it.  We understand how fun it can be for little kids, but she was still a little young last year.  So, until she started understanding the concept a little more, we kept our Santa stories small.

This year is different.  This year, we have a three year old with more awareness and understanding of the concept of Santa bringing presents on Christmas morning.  I'm finally ready to start building on the "magic" of Christmas that I experienced as a kid.  Time to rev up that holiday magic!  {If you know me you know that I'm not a terribly animated or outgoing personality, so the "revving up" is probably everyone else's subtle Christmas cheer.}

In comes George.  George is our Elf on the Shelf.  So many other mommies have been talking about their own elf and what good responses and fun they were having, I decided to put aside my phobia of creepy little dolls and spring for one.  Finding it half off and Barnes & Noble helped the decision tremendously.

So, he's here.  Today, sitting up on our fireplace mantle.  George is still creeping me out.  Not only does he watch Jocelyn, he's watching me.  If he ends up under my bed like the creepy little bastard clown on Poltergeist, he is TOTALLY being fed to the dogs!   Did you hear that George?! 

You've been disconnected!

I just got hung up on by a three year old who was refusing to nap. And I mean intentionally hung up on because she TOLD me she was going to do it, then she proceeded to hand the phone to my mom. I heard her say, "Hang it up, Ba Ngoai [grandma]", then *click*. 

Oooooh, if I could crawl through that phone and beat a three year old booty......!

Something is fishy around here....

While getting ready for lunch the other day, Jocelyn says:

"We can have fish for lunch.  Not the wet, swimming kind, but the food kind."

I wonder if she is going to be traumatized when she finds out that, in fact, they are one and the same.

Our *twinkling* little star! {singing with daddy}

Here's our little rising star and her favorite song--for the moment--it changes hourly.  The video speaks for itself.  No need for too much commentary.

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick Halloween note from Batgirl!  She learned a new saying this year:

     Trick or Treat!
     Smell my feet!
     Give me something good to eat!

She heard this phrase one time.  Just once.  That's all it took. She didn't learn it from us, so imagine our surprise when she whipped it out Halloween night at my mom's neighbor's front door. 

I've been telling her to say "please" and "thank you" several times a day for over three years, and she can't remember that. But apparently "smell my feet"....only takes hearing it one time.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

The big girl bed

This week, we finally went to get the big girl bed for Jocey.  We converted her 3-in-1 crib to its final stage--a headboard for a full-sized mattress.  Other than having some issues with taking the former crib apart, the transition went fairly fast.  We set it all up with her new sheet, and she has a ball putting nearly every stuffed animal she owns (including "Pinto" the horse who is nearly the size of a real Shetland pony) on her bed with her.  She is happy to say the least.  Formerly, they would have to sleep on the floor next to her bed.

When it came to bedtime, Jocey the routine addict, isn't so sure she is happy anymore.  She tries for more books.  She tries for more milk.  She tells me she is hungry.  She wants to pray some more.  She wants me to snuggle with her just for a little while.  "Please?!", she begs, "please?!"

I am firm, but gentle, with her because I know this is a slipperly slope with a child who thrives on routine.  If I give in to any of these demands too much, it will become the expected norm.  I give extra hugs and kisses, and reassure her it's the same room as before, just a different bed.  I tell her she will be okay.  She tries one last grasp at getting me to stay, "...but I'm scared."  This is the one she knows will tug at me.  How do you leave a child alone in a dark room when she is telling you she is scared? 

I tell her to look around and see all the friends she is surrounded by.  She has two turtles, a seahorse, a snake, an elephant, a monkey, a horse, and a pillow pet ladybug.  I ask her how she could be scared when all her friends are with her.  It seems to calm her, and she's ready for night-night.  I give another hug and kiss and head for the door.

"Mom," I hear her call for me.

"Yes, honey?"

With the most seriousness she can muster, she asks, "do you think I'll make it?"

I want to bust out laughing at my little drama queen, acting like she's about to embark on the most dangerous adventure of a lifetime, but I don't.  "Yes baby, I think you are tough, and you will make it.  Goodnight." 

And with that, I smile and close the door behind me.  And she doesn't make a peep for the rest of the night.

Something's screwy!

On Friday when I went to my mom's for lunch, I found Jocelyn playing under mom's table with her cousin Callie.  Jocelyn sees me and sits up.  She coughs a little, and looks nervously at me.  "Mommy, I just swallowed a screw."

Oh jeeze.  We made in through more than three years of her putting everything in her mouth without an incident (that we know of).  So it comes down to an accidental swallowing because she likes putting things in her mouth?  Really, kid?

I ask her and her cousin details about the screw, and whether it had a point or not.  I highly doubt there would be a pointy screw at my mom's, but I have to ask.  I try to ask how big it was.  I'm not getting any good answers that make me feel better, so I call her doctor's office.

A couple hours later, we head in for x-ray number one.  First, they check her chest, and thankfully it's not there.  That means it's cleared the esophagus and it's not in a lung or something.  Second, they check the belly. 

There it is!  It looks like it's in her stomach, and it's a half inch blunt-tipped screw.  Thank goodness!  The doctor checks her out, she seems otherwise fine with no pains in her stomach.  So we are instructed to watch her and bring her back tomorrow.  They will do another x-ray to make sure the screw is moving.  Also, a doctor will check her out to make sure she's not showing any signs of blockages.

We are to watch for fever, vomiting and bad bellyaches.  If any of those happen, we should take her to the emergency room immediately.  I am hoping and praying it won't happen that way. 

We are also to check her stool (ewwwww!) so we can verify she has passed it.  Just what I always dreamed of!  Checking my daughter's poop for a screw.  Thank you, Jocelyn, for the gift that keeps on giving!

No poop on Friday.  The next morning, Jocelyn is still feeling fine.  We take her to the Prompt Care since it is Saturday, and her regular doctor's office is closed.  We wait for the doctor who comes in and checks her out.  Everything seems normal, so we head back to x-ray.

This time, we get a nice, clear picture of the screw and where it's located.  It's made it down into her intestines, maybe to her colon.  We are relieved to know it's moving along.  The x-ray tech tells me her intestines are full of...hmmm...I can't remember exactly how she told me Jocelyn was full of it, but she did.  She said that it was probably slowing down progress.  I was still hopeful, based on it's location, that it would come out in poop #1.

Later that afternoon after her nap, poop #1 happens.  I can almost tell right away, it's not there.  I check anyways (yuck!) and verify what I already know.  Only a mother's love can make a person do these things, I swear.

Even though the second doctor suggests we come back each day until the screw shows up, we decide to wait it out another day at least.  I will call her doctor's office on Monday if we have nothing by then. 

Sunday brings poop #2.  Similar to the first poop, I could almost tell right away a screw would not be in there.  But I check anyways.  I have to be sure.  And I'm right.  No screw.  Ugh!  How much longer can this take? 

Monday comes, and I'm hoping for something.  I decided to wait until after the next poop to call her doctor's office, but I watch her closely for signs of problems and feel her belly every day for any pain or hard spots.  As of Monday night, no poop.  By this time, I think she's trying to avoid pooping.  She's a little nervous it's going to hurt when it comes out.  It's starting to frustrate me.  Halfway through her bath, she tells me she has to poop.  I do a little happy dance because I'm sure it will come out in #3!  Yes, I just did a happy dance for poop...the first time since potty training.

She sits on the little Elmo potty that I've set up for poop collection.  After a while, she says she's done.  She also tells me there's no screw.  I ask her how she knows, and then I look.  There's only a few tiny rabbit poops in there.  Sigh.  I guess we're going another day.

Tuesday.  If it doesn't happen today, we head back to the doctor.  Nothing by lunch time, but when I go back to my mom's to pick Jocelyn up, she hands me a folded papertowel and says, "Mommy, I have a surprise for you!"  I unfold it, hoping that it will be what we have been waiting for the last four days. 

It is!  It's the screw!  It looks just like I thought it would.  I am so relieved, and we do a little happy dance together.  We've had many conversations since that screw was swallowed, and she promises me she will never do it again.  I want to believe her, but as always, I never say never--especially with this kid.

So, in this case, it take approximately four days and two hours for a screw to travel the entire digestive system of a three year old.  Thankfully there was no real damage, and hopefully there will be a lasting impression and lesson learned.  I will certainly have a good story to embarrass her with one day when she's a teenager--and great pictures to prove it.

Stop! In the name of love....

The other day, we were driving along and went through an intersection with a stop sign.  Shane was driving, and slowed down, but didn't come to a complete stop before proceeding.

Jocelyn:  That was a stop sign.
Daddy: Yes, it was.
Jocelyn:  But Daddy, you didn't stop.

Oops!  I guess she is watching and learning from our every move.  We better be more careful with what we teach with our actions. 

What three year old knows what you are supposed to do at a stop sign anyways?! 

Jocelyn does.

What did you say?!

Jocelyn makes an observation this morning while I am standing next to her dad getting ready for work. 

"Daddy is bigger than Mommy."  We're the same height, so I know she talking about his shoulders being broader than mine. 

I say, "Yes, boys are usually more wide across than girls are."

She asks me, "Then what are girls more than boys?" 

I think for a second, and say that girls are prettier than boys.

"Girls are greedier?" she asks.

Daddy says, "Yes, they are, honey". 

And we have a good laugh.  Freudian slip by a three year old? 

{No, I am not damaging her self-worth or psyche by not degrading my husband for making a joke at the expense of women.  And yes, I could have sat around and thought of something else besides focusing on physical appearance of women, but it was just a simple moment.  I hate that I even have to point this out, but I know somebody will think it.}

How did I get in there?!

We have a baby book of Jocelyn's first year which includes some ultrasound pictures and baby bump pictures of me.  Sometimes she asks us to read the book as her bedtime story.

Right before nap time the other day, Jocelyn starts telling me about how she was in my belly when she was a little baby.  Then, a serious look comes over her face as she evaluates the situation, and she asks, "Mommy, how did I get in your belly?  Did you eat me?"

"Uh, no baby, I didn't eat you," I say with a smile.  I turn off the light and tell her we will talk about it later.  Hopefully, MUCH later....

First day of preschool!

Jocelyn and her cousin Callie (left)
on the front steps of school.

Here she is!  All set to head into school with her sassy backpack (a/k/a packpack) that her cousin Ashley gave to her (see below).  I have no worries that Jocelyn will do okay.  It's really the teachers that I'm worried about.

We walk in to her class and she sits on the carpet area.  Her teacher, Mrs. Shaner, and the teacher's aid, Mrs. Cavanaugh, are each trying to console hysterical kids.  Full-on, red-faced, top-of-the-lungs, screaming meltdowns are going on! 

Jocelyn sits down and is interested in her book and the monkey card sitting on top of it with her name on it.  She's good for a minute, so I say my good-byes and get ready to leave.  She covers her ears and asks me why those kids are screaming so much.  She's clearly irritated by them.  I tell her that they'll settle down in a minute, just to sit here and look at her book.

She decides she's had enough, hops up and takes off.  I go after her.  She says she wants to play over here by herself.  I told her she has to go back to the class and that she'll be allowed to play later.  She tells me in whiny-voice, "...but I want to play NOW!"  Oh, no.  Please don't pick up on their vibes!

Modeling her sassy zebra print packpack Ashley
gave to her.

I take her back and sit her down.  I give her another kiss and head out the door.  The teachers are still trying to settle the kids down, but if I don't go now, I'll probably never leave.  They're experienced teachers.  They'll deal with it.  The first day is probably always a mess for three year olds.

When I head back to pick her up, she's laying on the carpet in the group.  She's oblivious to the fact that I've walked in.  She finally sees me, yells "Mommy!" and runs up to hug me.  I love those hugs!  They almost make being apart worth it.  Almost.

Mrs. Cavanaugh approaches me and tells me that she did really well and was telling the other kids their ABC's.  She also tells me that I have a "really confident three year old".  I'm wondering if that's a good thing or bad.  I'm guessing a little of both.  She said she has her own idea of what she should be doing.  They asked her to sit down at one point, and she told them no. 

I am glad that Jocelyn is strong-willed and independent, I wouldn't change that for the world.  However, we have a talk at lunch about how she needs to listen to her teachers just like when mommy asks her to do something.  She agrees. 

Why do I feel like she just agreed to shut me up?  We'll see how that goes on Thursday.

New experience: peeing outside

This is about the look I got when asking
her to pee on the rocks: "Whachoo
talkin' 'bout, Mama?!"

We went camping in northeast Minnesota last weekend.  Real camping.  Tent camping.  We've been spoiled with a camper for years, and we haven't gone tent camping ever since we got it. 

Up until we were getting ready for night-night, I didn't even think about the fact that it would probably be hard to explain to her why we are not peeing on a potty.  She tells me she's tired.  I say okay, but she has to go pee on the rocks before bed.  She looks at me like I am growing a third eye out of the middle of my head.  To make her more comfortable, I demonstrate how to do it.  She looks intrigued, but still very skeptical that this is for real. 

I pull her pants down, hold her under her arms, and ask her to act like she's sitting on an invisible potty.  She bends at the waist and dangles there for a while.  She tells me she can't--more like she won't.  I begin pleading because I'm starting to panic about how this night is about to go.  She says no more firmly this time.  I pull up her pants and head back to the tent.  I let her know that we can't go to bed until she goes potty.  She hasn't gone in nearly five hours.

She has some milk.  I'm hoping it will put her in the mood.  I'm starting to get mad about the camping arrangements and lack of information I received.  I didn't know that there would not be at least pit toilets on the beach where we were camping.  If I had known, I would have brought her little potty chair.  I knew this was going to be a struggle.   Daddy takes a turn at trying to convince her.  No dice.

Ultimately, we got directions to a lodge three miles away, and drive her there to go potty.  We were defeated, but not for long. 

The next morning, I wait her out.  She finally exclaims that she has to go potty!  I know that look--it means there isn't much time.  I tell her that we have to go on the rocks.  She knows she has has no choice.  She has to go bad enough that she doesn't argue.  I dangle her bottom over rocks again and this time she goes.  She's almost excited hearing the pee hit the rocks.  And she's pretty proud of herself to boot.  "Daddy, I peed on the rocks!"

New experience over.  Turned out better than expected.  Thank goodness.

Well, hello there!

I already blog about running, and I just realized that I never thought to blog about the most important person in my life:  my daughter Jocelyn.  She has been an incredible source of laughter, frustration and joy!  She is three now, so she says and does the darndest things, you know.  Maybe I can take a moment every so often to share what she has to say or update you on her latest adventure.  Maybe she can read back about all the mischief and trouble she caused through the years, and then feel sorry for her mom one day!

Maybe this will help slow down time.  I want to enjoy each day!  At least this way, I can relive it a little.  Even the parts that I want to forget!  To start you off, I will share some of her fun adventures so far.... 

September 13, 2010 - Full jar of black pepper dumped into pack-n-play.

October 20, 2010 - New wall art piece.  She was a wall art addict for a while.

February 1, 2011 - Table art piece entitled "Smoking Fish".  :)

March 12, 2011 - Picture of Mommy.

April 27, 2011 - New wall art mural entitled "Mr. Sun".

June 16, 2011 - Fun with tailor's chalk powder at Grandma's.

June 23, 2011 - Getting toenails painted. 
What? You don't wear an elephant mask at the nail salon?

Don't judge me!  I swear I'm not a neglectful mother!  Jocelyn is just full of ideas and she's very fast when it comes to causing trouble.  I'm sure she'll provide me with lots of interesting things to share with you.  This should be fun....hopefully.